Here's the deal.

Hi my friends.. had to take a break from the thousands of cover letters for the Spring season of a starving artist trying to make it in the big bad city. Sigh.. life is so busy, but I guess it's good because I need a distraction until I can get outta this twenty degree weather. Anyway.. can I vent? Like I always do..

Hawaii.. I love you so much.. but seriously.. stop the drama! Geeze. Is there nothing better to do besides talk about everyone else? When will you realize that life is not about all the gossip?  Don't you get sick of it?  There are so many more important things in life that you can do than talk.. Seriously. I have no idea why you might think that your social life is the most important thing in the world. But its not. Go paint a picture.. or go surfing.. or go take a dance class or whatever.. channel that energy into something beautiful.

Anyway. Awww my passion for dance has filled my soul with so much joy. For a while there I forgot how beautiful the life of a dancer is. Although I'm working like 3 jobs just to kind of break even in my expenses, I will give up everything.. meals.. time.. a social life everything to be able to take class at BDC. I feel so honored and soo lucky to have my work study and be able to take classes with the most talented and dedicated dancers and choreographers in this world. There are moments where I literally stop myself and think I am the luckiest person in the world.  I realize that there are millions of people who would kill to be in my position and I also realize that I will not have this opportunity forever.. so as long as I am here and at that studio, I will give 110% of myself into dance. I am honest with myself that physically, economically, and just mentally wise, I won't have dance like this forever.. 2 years ago when I moved away from NYC I thought I would lose dance forever, and it was a very hard idea to part with. So I'm so lucky to have had this second chance to do what I love.

And since the Starbucks in Astor Place's wifi apparently sucks .. you can click the dancing link yourself


Talent at it's best: WORK!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiX-ZSNS48k&feature=related

On Love (Part 2)

Before I begin my post.. this is another blog that I ask whoever is reading this to please not be concerned that I am going down a dark depressive road because I'm not. I really shouldn't be posting my feelings on my blog.. but I just feel like it today. Dancing and writing are two very big outlets in my life, and they provide me.. a lot of temporary relief when I feel down.

I've been thinking a lot.. about going home.. which obviously I am very excited/very nervous about. It's a big hype in my mind because I've been thinking about home for quite a while now and the expectations are high. Most of the time, my mind wonders to.. love. .. which.. even though 2 months ago I wrote a very emotional blog (which is now hidden from the public for viewing) about... how love is beautiful.. love (between two people) is gone from my life. I don't want to be dramatic.. or.. prissy or whatever.. but.. there's a clear difference in my life now that I don't have someone to love.

Being in love to me.. felt like... how I imagine drugs to be. Lots of people say that when you take certain drugs your life is just never the same after, because.. nothing feels as good. And that's how I am with love.  As far back as I can remember.. I wanted so badly to be in love. And I truly really did believe I was in love. I didn't care what everyone else no matter how long they've known me or how well they know me said. And to those people, I'm really sorry I know you are all only looking out for the best for me and I appreciate every second of your support. 

I never ever in my entire life felt so complete and so happy and so perfect with another person. I guess when you're "in love"..you don't listen to possible warning signs of flaws, and even if there clearly is flaws, you ignore them because.. love is a feeling and sometimes, you just can't help that feeling.

But.. I guess.. I was wrong. And.. even today.. 2 months later.. I still don't know.. how to even begin to rebuild my heart. I surround myself with beautiful people all who can relate to the pain of heartbreak.We've all been there before and we're all fully aware that it hurts. I guess... it's easier when you're 100% over it and it doesn't hurt anymore. So.. I'm just waiting.. for that pain to go away. And I know it will..  I just wish it would away faster, because it hasn't been easy.

I understand when people say they don't want to fall in love ever again, because when your heart breaks.. it hurts really bad. It's worse than any physical pain I've ever felt. It's not something you can ice or.. that you can fix. I'm waiting.. for it to go away.. and I hope it does soon.

Okay that's it. Hang in there I know...

Hi

17 more days till beautiful Hawaii Nei. :) I'm so excited that I haven't gotten more than 6 straight hours of sleep at night. Literally I've been having dreams about Hawaii every night for the past week. It's crazy. But I'm still very very excited.

NYC in December.. leads to very mixed emotions for me. The days go by so fast. I wake up pull myself out of my comfortable bed and grab a coffee.. then I swear I go back to bed. It's kind of crazy, but I like it because it just means a day closer to home.

Money money money- money runs this city it's so crazy! I try my best not to stress about it, but it causes me so much stress. The first couple months I was very "chang" about my money.. but I realize now that there are some splurges that I just have to do to keep my sanity. For example: it's very important that I dance.. my 4 classes every week. It's very important that I at least try to go to 1-2 yoga classes per week.  It's important that I eat. All the rest are luxuries that I realize I don't need.. although.. they are fun.

My relationship with NYC as usual is bittersweet. I love the city again.. for dance.. for the food.. and great times. But I know this time around.. it's not gonna be forever. There are certain parts that I absolutely love about this city, that will be hard to give up. I'm gonna miss the opportunity to have so many things right at your fingertips.  But I've had a lot to think about, and I just don't want to be in a city where money runs everything.  People are just constantly stressing out about everything, and complaining so much, that sometimes I just want to yell out relax people! You only have one life so just relax and enjoy it. I stressed so much about money and my job that I just took out so much joy out of my life and I completely forgot that I'm in such an amazing time in my life I have no reason to stress!

So that's the deals. I will always always love NYC and it will be my second home. So I'm considering my options. It's not gonna be Hawaii just yet. I think if I went back home .. I would stay home.. and miss so much of this world that I still want to see.  Lots of things may happen in 2011. :)

Fog Inside the Glass Around Your Summer Heart

Hello mid November. Sorry I haven't been updating my blog.. there has been a lack of inspiration..

November has proven pretty boring so far. It's kind of exactly how I imagined it would be.. waiting for something to happen. Don't ask me what that something is because I have no idea what it is. I've had a serious low of motivation this month because I have no idea where my life is going.  I almost feel more lost now than I did this summer when I was crying my guts out everyday.

My only outlet is dance. It keeps me going every week, so I'm very very lucky that I have it because it has bought me so much happiness recently that it's great.

I think that's it.. I wish I had more exciting news about life changes, but .. no :( I just.. try to live everyday.. make money to try to get close to making rent.. try to survive the day and smile when I can

Ware Tada Shiru Taru

Ahhh the zen gardens of Japan. How I miss the simple days of vacation with my family, traveling and learning about this world with so many endless cultures and people. I can't believe how lucky I have been this past year to have experienced so much joy and so much pain. It has definitely been one of the greatest, yet toughest years of my life. But I'm glad I'm living and learning, and until I run out of money (which could be very soon). I'm here.

Anyway! I remembered this fountain because my bff Karisa wants to get a tattoo, and I told her if I get another one it'll probably be this. Maybe I'll double check to make sure the Chinese translation is similar! :) There's many translations the literal translation is "I only know plenty". But I like to think of it as I am content with what I have. My mom said that this quote tells you that you should be content with what you have, so you shouldn't try to strive higher. I argued that I complain pretty much every day about my life, when in reality, I have a great life, and I really should start appreciating it more. 

I literally count down the weeks until I go home to Hawaii. I miss home, and my family, my friends, my Benz, my dogs, everything. It breaks my heart to think of them at home and me being so far away.  But then I think, I'm here, so I gotta make use of what I got. I said it from the start, I'm not staying here forever.. so lemme make the best out of it. 

So I'm trying! I'm really trying hard my friends. I want to have some great experiences and great stories to tell you. I want you all to be proud of me and make my vagabondage so far be worth while....

Until then.. enjoy Maitais (losers).

180 degrees

It's so crazy how much my life has changed.  Although the last couple months were a struggle.. and trust me it's still a struggle.. I live with the positive mentality that things can only get better, so even though times are hard.. it's just getting better.  When you only want the raw basics in life to be secure (job, house, and food), everything is considered a luxury. I strongly would suggest to anyone in this world to strip their self of everything that makes them comfortable so they learn how to challenge them self. It's a very scary and a little too real.. but it's very humbling. I know I will never ever take any luxury I have for granted and I feel unaware and ignorant for not realizing that earlier.

Anyway October life in NYC has been good. Lots and lots of dancing and working, and not much time for anything else. I can't afford a social life, but I try to get out and do the free thing as much as I can. I'm hoping paychecks will start rolling in and I can be a little less worried, but as I said earlier, I'm just trying to stay positive and work with what I got. It doesn't really bother me not being able to go out and get nuts and wear the best clothes and have the best social life, because I realize that I came to NYC to dance, and dancing is what I'm doing.

On another note.. I love working nonprofit. Because I'm broke and sober, I have a lot of time to be aware of this world and learn about things that I might otherwise be ignorant to. My non profit has taught me a lot about how meat is so bad for you.. and although I haven't given up meat completely, I have significantly cut down on all meat consumption, and have been spreading the word about it's health benefits.  I also have been involved in the community as a peer mentor, because eventually I would love to spend some time in Asia so Ive been meeting a lot of people who have traveled all over the world doing volunteer work. It's amazing to meet people from so many unique fun cultures and sharing stories with them. They love to hear about my stories growing up in Hawaii, and I love to hear their stories about their lives. It makes both of us educated and more open to this world.

Okay that's it bye.

Hello Fall!!

Friends seriously how is it Oct already? My rent is almost due and I'm broke, which means cereal.. and dollah menus all week long :).. ahh life of a starving artist is so painful yet so beautiful.  Unfortunately between the two internships, work study at the dance studio, and bar job, my social life has resorted to Facebook, but I'm a whole lot happier than I was 2 months ago because I'm doing what I love, and it's so beautiful to spend $$ on a dance class instead of materialistic things. I've always said that love is something that you can't explain.. it's something you feel in your heart.. that makes you completely happy. That's how I feel about dancing. I'm really not trying to become famous.. or be in music videos or whatever.. I do it.. because I love it. 

I was thinking today while I was in yoga (2nd favorite activity) .. I'm not gonna be able to dance forever.. I mean.. my body in comparison to.. 5 years ago.. gets tired faster, gets stiff the next day.. and recovers slower. So I'm determined to dance all I can as long as my body can handle it.  I meet so many people from BDC who love to dance and who are beautiful professional dancers, who could've chosen to go to college, or go to a normal whatever job. But they followed their passion and they're completely happy, even if it means being a starving artist.  I truly admire these people for knowing exactly what they want in life and going 100% towards that goal, and I only hope that I can learn to be as passionate as them.


In the meantime..

(stolen from Michelle's Facebook.. mahalos littlecrazyone)


LOVE IT

Stay beautiful my friends.

Wake Me Up When Sept Ends.

Holy Moly- Sept is flying by so fast.. which means 3 more months till paradise! I'm such a Hawaii girl it sucks.

Anyway. LIFE! Is crazy. But crazy in a good way. Ended my internship with the unnamed company (because I signed a NDA which I can't talk about the company). It was a great experience.. and I'm glad I did it.. but I'm excited to start fresh with a new company. Welcome to the world of NON PROFIT!!! It's pretty funny cause I'm going from sales at a start up to blogging for non profits.. two very vast ends of the spectrum but I know sales is not something I want to do (scratch that marketing degree) and writing is something I would like to try.  My mom's dreams of one of her daughters becoming a millionaire just flew out of the window .. sorry mom.

Oh and I'm gonna start work studying again at my old dance studio! So excited for that :) I miss dancing slash working out so much in general and I'm really excited to burn off all the great NYC food I've been eating. I'm officially gonna give up any social life I have and dance as much as I can because I know it's something that I love.

My bff Karisa came into town last week and only helped to confirm how much I miss home. I mean.. it's not as bad now as it was. I don't cry.. as much.. anymore. But I still miss home..as much as I did.. when I left it.  I wake up and the first thing on my mind is one day closer to home.  It almost seems sometimes that I force myself to be here.. Which.. yeah is true.. but I stick it out because everyone tells me.. and I think subconciously I just end up telling myself the same thing.

Money- is still nonexistant.. which is amazing seeing that I'm working almost 3 jobs. I wish it was easy to jump into real life but it's not. I keep telling myself that if I put in time now.. then later on down the road.. I'll be ahead of everyone.. I still don't know why I'm here.. I really don't. I'm not depressed.. but I don't want to be here.

I never appreciate it until it's gone.

“If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

I found that quote by Lewis Carroll.. the man whom so many members of my generation look towards to find some sort of higher truth involving various types of influences. What an amazing person. Anyway! That quote is dead on with my life this week. So many things going on.. but this week I'm trying to approach it at a positive attitude instead of a depressed one like last week (maybe that will work better).

Still apartment searching (getting closer though).. and still job searching (not close at all). Yesterday Mallory and I found the most amazing apartment located in an awesome neighborhood and even though I immediately put my interest in taking the apartment.. so did 4 other people.. so I'm trying not to think about it.

Even though I'm not getting anything done.. it's almost soothing to see all the other people in the same situation as me.  One of those at least I'm not the only one things. I mean it sucks.. really bad.. that there's so many people looking for a job/home.. and there's just not enough available. Some people are gonna find one.. some people will fail and go some where else.  That's just New York.. and why if you can make it here.. even for a little amount of time.. you can make it anywhere.  Even the worst in NY would be considered the best in other places. It's very humbling.. and super shitty at the same time.


My friends Mac got stolen this weekend... I know it could worse (sorry Steph!)

Hopefully next time I write I'll be talking about my amazing apartment.. or amazing job! I'll take either

Why so glum Lewis?

Ashley or Mary Kate Doing Yoga

News: I just did some research and it was Mary Kate Olsen... she also smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.

I was planning to stick to one blog a week but I have some exciting news!! I saw Ashley or Mary Kate at Yoga To The People yesterday!! Okay so I know I live in city now and I'm supposed to be "cool" or .. whatever but I was flipping out!! I think seeing an Olsen twin at yoga tops seeing Tyra Banks (at the peak of ANTM) at Broadway Dance Center. Anyway.. it was super funny cause.. I was the only one flipping out (of course) everyone else was in their meditation already but that was impossible for me cause ummm helloooo it's an OLSEN TWIN!!

Seeing famous people in normal life always trips me out.  I always go through a wide variety of emotions. Usually begins with me freaking out. Then after I calm down, I wonder what the heck they're doing in a "normal people place". Then I start thinking of how they're so lucky they became famous. I mean.. Mary Kate (or Ashley!) Olsen.. fame was pretty much thrown on her since the beginning. She was a millionaire before she even turned legal.. she could probably buy the whole entire yoga building..  but here she was.. at the free yoga class. Amongst the starving artists and entry level recent grads just trying to make it through the day without mentally breaking down.  Way to go Olsen twins! Down with the people.

Love you friends have a good weekend :)

Completely Happy?

Hello my beautiful friends!! Thank you so much for your feedback.. or.. even reading my blog. I think that's super cool.. and I'm really excited/hopeful about the blog. My mom refuses to read it because she said I'm gonna write "bad things" in it.. bahaha. What a funny woman.

So.. I had 2 breakdowns this week.. in the most random spots.. Barnes and Noble.. and walking to the bus. I want to say that I cry at least once a week purely.. because I need to otherwise I'll go insane. I guess it's the whole thing about moving away from home. Every time I'm at home I'm dying to get away.. and every time I'm away from home I'm dying to get back. Honestly if it weren't for a select group of amazing people here.. I would've packed my bags a long time ago and gone back home. I am completely homesick.. but don't wanna go home.. at the same time.. which is so confusing that it's usually the reason I cry everyday.

I feel like I've reached that point in my life where I realize I can't completely be happy no matter where I am. I'm not really sure if it's just me.. or if it's everyone.. but I can't find one moment in my life where I wasn't 100% completely satisfied with my life.  And that's fine.. because.. it gives me drive.. and gives me something to work for.. but there's always this empty incomplete feeling that I feel like I will always have for the rest of my life.  It bugs me!!! Because I feel like I'm doing something wrong.. or maybe I'm just approaching life wrong.. but for now I got two options.. cry it out.. and just try to make the best out of the situation I have.. which.. both I have been doing.

This blog is no meant to be sad.. or depressing or anything.. in fact.. I'm pretty good in life right now (I could use a cute little dog but that's not gonna happen anytime soon).. anyway.. anyone have any comments?! Comment away!

ps. I spy with my little eye yours truly hard at work!!

My future is unlimited...

Sup world. Hope you all are having a beautiful and purpose filled day. So here's my blog! I have no idea who will read it.. or if I even want people to read it.. but.. it's something cool to do. I guess I'm hoping that one day like 5 years down the line.. I can look back at this blog and laugh and say that I was so cool.  

So.. I had an amazing last weekend in Reston, VA. Who would've known? Reston is like.. 45 min outside of the D.C. area and I had two absolutely amazing friends who I wanted to visit, so I took the 4 hour bus ride to visit them.  You know.. my whole life I thought I was a city girl. I grew up in Honolulu, which, is pretty much the main city of Hawaii. Then moved to NYC where I enjoyed my time running around the city causing havoc.  Then I moved to London.. which.. is pretty much like New York except everyone's white with amazing accents.  Everything in my life was always the bigger the better (very city-like thinking)But I guess now that I'm older.. and I pay for everything.. my life has become a lot more simpler.  I enjoy very little things like being able to sing at the top of your lungs with one of my best friends to your favorite songs.  Or watching stupid t.v. for hours while stuffing my face.  Or getting ready to go out and helping your friend pick an outfit which reads not super slutty but still looking for a man... Which is exactly what I did with my best friends this weekend. And you know what.. it was the funnest I've had in a while... so thanks Reston!!!

The beautiful girls who helped me party hard this weekend

Dainon and Melis my long lost wanderers

Being in a bus for 4 hours helped me contemplate life.. which I do all the time since now I don't drive so I don't have to think. Ever since I graduated from high school I've been on a constant move.. I'm very lucky because I think in the past 4 years I've seen more of the world than a lot of people can say they've seen in their entire lives (mostly due to my amazing parents who love to travel). I guess I can say I'm always on the move because I'm trying to "find myself".. which I like to translate as doing whatever makes me happy.  This past month.. I've been through a lot of emotions.. I moved from my perfectly fine life in Hawaii to the challenging scary yet really exciting city of New York.  I think I cried about 10 times.. and stressed out even more.. but nevertheless I'm glad to say that I'm moving forward. I don't know towards what.. or.. whom.. or.. where.. but hey that's what this blogs for.

w/love -  Tash.