Confused..

This always happens to me. I have a problem where I don't know where to begin my judgment on being happy.

I'm so confused.


Little things make me happy.  Today I went to Chinatown with Joshua and Mallory- ate some amazing meals. Then went to dance class to get my hip hop on.. then came home.. and it was a great day.  And I just found myself looking at my calender thinking it's the second week in February- I gotta start making decisions fast on what I want to do this next year.

I don't even know where to begin my decisions.  I've cried and I've bitched and moaned a lot about NYC, but when I finally leave will I want to?  You would think after living here for.. 8 months I would've been able to kind of make a decision, but I can't. One day I'll wake up and not want to even get out of bed, because I don't want to face the city, and the other days I'm jumping out of bed so excited to start the next day.

I'm finally fine now, and I'm scared I'll make a decision I might regret (hence.. still keeping that new years resolution of being content in my decisions). I wish someone could make decisions for me. I wish someone could go into the future and tell me which decision would be best for me.

But I don't know.. and I guess I'll never know until I try something.. aghhhhhhh I hate being an adult.

When it hurts so bad..

I'm trying to find a positive view on my life because I definitely know I think about it too negatively. My bff in the city asked me the other day: "Why do you complain so much about your life being so bad? What is so bad about your life?" And honestly.. I had no real legit answer. I'm doing what I always wanted dream of doing.. I just never realized that I would have and then lose love in the meanwhile.

I was stupid to fall in love. And that doesn't mean I regret what happened with me and.. that one.. but I was silly to believe that I could make a functioning relationship with someone who I know is impossible for me.  I just have to accept that that is life and you win some and you lose some.. and when you do, although it feels like it. It's not the end of the world.

My heart knows that I still love him and it hurts and it cries and it's very painful. But my mind tells me that the right and only thing I can do is let him go. It's not healthy to have false hopes, so I just have to be strong.

Nefesh to Nefesh for ya. Gotta be strong..

How do you do it?

So what do you do? When the one person you loved with all your heart steps out of your life and leaves a huge gaping painful hole in your soul?

What's the secret?


Because it's been like 6 months already and it still hurts me everyday.

Addictions

I don't understand why it's so hard for me to get rid of the things that I know are bad for me. My friends tell me over and over and over again that I need to get rid of him. And I can't. For a person with such a strong personality, and such a strong will to live a full and happy life.. I'm an absolute fail when it comes to my heart.

Resolutions

How is it 2011 already? I remember when I was in elementary school.. I always accidentally wrote the wrong year on my homework and I would get in trouble for mistaking it. Years always past by faster than days for me. It's a little strange. I remember every hour of each day.. but then the year pasts, and all of a sudden I wonder if it was really last year that I was counting down the hours till work was done and I could get back to my comfy bed to sleep. And now I'm 24. I thought I was still a teenager! So crazy.

Trying not to think about it.. but I thought in light of the new years (2 weeks ago) I'd post my resolutions. I make resolutions every year but like most people get lazy mid year and never get them done.  But maybe this year will be my special year.

I guess my main resolution would be to find focus. I'm so add all the time running around doing thousands of different projects that provide brief moments of happiness.  Since graduating almost 2 years ago I've been a hot mess trying to find out what exactly I want to do in life. You would think that as one grows older it becomes more apparent what path you should take. In college if you asked me what I want to do in 5 years I wouldn't even think before answering that I wanted to move to NYC.  Now I'm here.. and I'm completely lost.  Every single morning I wake up and I have no idea where I want my life to go.. what I want to do .. or what my plans are. The feeling of instability freaks me out because I am the type of person who plans entire years in advanced. It freaks me out to not know where my life will be even in the next month.

Besides the complexity of pulling my life together all the rest of my resolutions seem so simple:

1) Visit 2 different countries this year.

2) Buy a new laptop (mine is from 2005.. it freezes every 10 min I'm on the internet.. it's time)

3) This will be my last year working in a restaurant/bar. It will always be the greatest years of my life.. but I feel like it's time. Please do not quote me on this because.. knowing me I'll go back.


4) By the end of this year start applying for grad schools. I've been delaying grad school for years simply because I don't want to go back. But I promised my parents I would go back and I refuse to be 30 and still in school.

5) Whatever I decide to do in the next 6 months.. be happy and be confident with my decision. Which will be a difficult one because I am never 100% happy with any decision (see old blogs).. but.. I'll work on it.

I think that's it.. Im not really sure because I think of new resolutions every week... but that's what the edit button is for right?

Broken Wings

I want a broken bird.... I want a bird that broke its wing and walked around until her wing was healed.  She can still fly but never like anybody else. Not like someone that never broke their wing. She was broken. key word...was. but always a bird.

 Kyle "125" Histatake's beautiful writing.

Hipster birds in Williamsburg

photo by SeamSters

 

Here's the deal.

Hi my friends.. had to take a break from the thousands of cover letters for the Spring season of a starving artist trying to make it in the big bad city. Sigh.. life is so busy, but I guess it's good because I need a distraction until I can get outta this twenty degree weather. Anyway.. can I vent? Like I always do..

Hawaii.. I love you so much.. but seriously.. stop the drama! Geeze. Is there nothing better to do besides talk about everyone else? When will you realize that life is not about all the gossip?  Don't you get sick of it?  There are so many more important things in life that you can do than talk.. Seriously. I have no idea why you might think that your social life is the most important thing in the world. But its not. Go paint a picture.. or go surfing.. or go take a dance class or whatever.. channel that energy into something beautiful.

Anyway. Awww my passion for dance has filled my soul with so much joy. For a while there I forgot how beautiful the life of a dancer is. Although I'm working like 3 jobs just to kind of break even in my expenses, I will give up everything.. meals.. time.. a social life everything to be able to take class at BDC. I feel so honored and soo lucky to have my work study and be able to take classes with the most talented and dedicated dancers and choreographers in this world. There are moments where I literally stop myself and think I am the luckiest person in the world.  I realize that there are millions of people who would kill to be in my position and I also realize that I will not have this opportunity forever.. so as long as I am here and at that studio, I will give 110% of myself into dance. I am honest with myself that physically, economically, and just mentally wise, I won't have dance like this forever.. 2 years ago when I moved away from NYC I thought I would lose dance forever, and it was a very hard idea to part with. So I'm so lucky to have had this second chance to do what I love.

And since the Starbucks in Astor Place's wifi apparently sucks .. you can click the dancing link yourself


Talent at it's best: WORK!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiX-ZSNS48k&feature=related