So what do you do? When the one person you loved with all your heart steps out of your life and leaves a huge gaping painful hole in your soul?
What's the secret?
Because it's been like 6 months already and it still hurts me everyday.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Addictions
I don't understand why it's so hard for me to get rid of the things that I know are bad for me. My friends tell me over and over and over again that I need to get rid of him. And I can't. For a person with such a strong personality, and such a strong will to live a full and happy life.. I'm an absolute fail when it comes to my heart.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Resolutions
How is it 2011 already? I remember when I was in elementary school.. I always accidentally wrote the wrong year on my homework and I would get in trouble for mistaking it. Years always past by faster than days for me. It's a little strange. I remember every hour of each day.. but then the year pasts, and all of a sudden I wonder if it was really last year that I was counting down the hours till work was done and I could get back to my comfy bed to sleep. And now I'm 24. I thought I was still a teenager! So crazy.
Trying not to think about it.. but I thought in light of the new years (2 weeks ago) I'd post my resolutions. I make resolutions every year but like most people get lazy mid year and never get them done. But maybe this year will be my special year.
I guess my main resolution would be to find focus. I'm so add all the time running around doing thousands of different projects that provide brief moments of happiness. Since graduating almost 2 years ago I've been a hot mess trying to find out what exactly I want to do in life. You would think that as one grows older it becomes more apparent what path you should take. In college if you asked me what I want to do in 5 years I wouldn't even think before answering that I wanted to move to NYC. Now I'm here.. and I'm completely lost. Every single morning I wake up and I have no idea where I want my life to go.. what I want to do .. or what my plans are. The feeling of instability freaks me out because I am the type of person who plans entire years in advanced. It freaks me out to not know where my life will be even in the next month.
Besides the complexity of pulling my life together all the rest of my resolutions seem so simple:
1) Visit 2 different countries this year.
2) Buy a new laptop (mine is from 2005.. it freezes every 10 min I'm on the internet.. it's time)
3) This will be my last year working in a restaurant/bar. It will always be the greatest years of my life.. but I feel like it's time. Please do not quote me on this because.. knowing me I'll go back.
4) By the end of this year start applying for grad schools. I've been delaying grad school for years simply because I don't want to go back. But I promised my parents I would go back and I refuse to be 30 and still in school.
5) Whatever I decide to do in the next 6 months.. be happy and be confident with my decision. Which will be a difficult one because I am never 100% happy with any decision (see old blogs).. but.. I'll work on it.
I think that's it.. Im not really sure because I think of new resolutions every week... but that's what the edit button is for right?
Trying not to think about it.. but I thought in light of the new years (2 weeks ago) I'd post my resolutions. I make resolutions every year but like most people get lazy mid year and never get them done. But maybe this year will be my special year.
I guess my main resolution would be to find focus. I'm so add all the time running around doing thousands of different projects that provide brief moments of happiness. Since graduating almost 2 years ago I've been a hot mess trying to find out what exactly I want to do in life. You would think that as one grows older it becomes more apparent what path you should take. In college if you asked me what I want to do in 5 years I wouldn't even think before answering that I wanted to move to NYC. Now I'm here.. and I'm completely lost. Every single morning I wake up and I have no idea where I want my life to go.. what I want to do .. or what my plans are. The feeling of instability freaks me out because I am the type of person who plans entire years in advanced. It freaks me out to not know where my life will be even in the next month.
Besides the complexity of pulling my life together all the rest of my resolutions seem so simple:
1) Visit 2 different countries this year.
2) Buy a new laptop (mine is from 2005.. it freezes every 10 min I'm on the internet.. it's time)
3) This will be my last year working in a restaurant/bar. It will always be the greatest years of my life.. but I feel like it's time. Please do not quote me on this because.. knowing me I'll go back.
4) By the end of this year start applying for grad schools. I've been delaying grad school for years simply because I don't want to go back. But I promised my parents I would go back and I refuse to be 30 and still in school.
5) Whatever I decide to do in the next 6 months.. be happy and be confident with my decision. Which will be a difficult one because I am never 100% happy with any decision (see old blogs).. but.. I'll work on it.
I think that's it.. Im not really sure because I think of new resolutions every week... but that's what the edit button is for right?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Friday, December 17, 2010
Here's the deal.
Hi my friends.. had to take a break from the thousands of cover letters for the Spring season of a starving artist trying to make it in the big bad city. Sigh.. life is so busy, but I guess it's good because I need a distraction until I can get outta this twenty degree weather. Anyway.. can I vent? Like I always do..
Hawaii.. I love you so much.. but seriously.. stop the drama! Geeze. Is there nothing better to do besides talk about everyone else? When will you realize that life is not about all the gossip? Don't you get sick of it? There are so many more important things in life that you can do than talk.. Seriously. I have no idea why you might think that your social life is the most important thing in the world. But its not. Go paint a picture.. or go surfing.. or go take a dance class or whatever.. channel that energy into something beautiful.
Anyway. Awww my passion for dance has filled my soul with so much joy. For a while there I forgot how beautiful the life of a dancer is. Although I'm working like 3 jobs just to kind of break even in my expenses, I will give up everything.. meals.. time.. a social life everything to be able to take class at BDC. I feel so honored and soo lucky to have my work study and be able to take classes with the most talented and dedicated dancers and choreographers in this world. There are moments where I literally stop myself and think I am the luckiest person in the world. I realize that there are millions of people who would kill to be in my position and I also realize that I will not have this opportunity forever.. so as long as I am here and at that studio, I will give 110% of myself into dance. I am honest with myself that physically, economically, and just mentally wise, I won't have dance like this forever.. 2 years ago when I moved away from NYC I thought I would lose dance forever, and it was a very hard idea to part with. So I'm so lucky to have had this second chance to do what I love.
And since the Starbucks in Astor Place's wifi apparently sucks .. you can click the dancing link yourself
Talent at it's best: WORK!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiX-ZSNS48k&feature=related
Hawaii.. I love you so much.. but seriously.. stop the drama! Geeze. Is there nothing better to do besides talk about everyone else? When will you realize that life is not about all the gossip? Don't you get sick of it? There are so many more important things in life that you can do than talk.. Seriously. I have no idea why you might think that your social life is the most important thing in the world. But its not. Go paint a picture.. or go surfing.. or go take a dance class or whatever.. channel that energy into something beautiful.
Anyway. Awww my passion for dance has filled my soul with so much joy. For a while there I forgot how beautiful the life of a dancer is. Although I'm working like 3 jobs just to kind of break even in my expenses, I will give up everything.. meals.. time.. a social life everything to be able to take class at BDC. I feel so honored and soo lucky to have my work study and be able to take classes with the most talented and dedicated dancers and choreographers in this world. There are moments where I literally stop myself and think I am the luckiest person in the world. I realize that there are millions of people who would kill to be in my position and I also realize that I will not have this opportunity forever.. so as long as I am here and at that studio, I will give 110% of myself into dance. I am honest with myself that physically, economically, and just mentally wise, I won't have dance like this forever.. 2 years ago when I moved away from NYC I thought I would lose dance forever, and it was a very hard idea to part with. So I'm so lucky to have had this second chance to do what I love.
And since the Starbucks in Astor Place's wifi apparently sucks .. you can click the dancing link yourself
Talent at it's best: WORK!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiX-ZSNS48k&feature=related
Sunday, December 12, 2010
On Love (Part 2)
Before I begin my post.. this is another blog that I ask whoever is reading this to please not be concerned that I am going down a dark depressive road because I'm not. I really shouldn't be posting my feelings on my blog.. but I just feel like it today. Dancing and writing are two very big outlets in my life, and they provide me.. a lot of temporary relief when I feel down.
I've been thinking a lot.. about going home.. which obviously I am very excited/very nervous about. It's a big hype in my mind because I've been thinking about home for quite a while now and the expectations are high. Most of the time, my mind wonders to.. love. .. which.. even though 2 months ago I wrote a very emotional blog (which is now hidden from the public for viewing) about... how love is beautiful.. love (between two people) is gone from my life. I don't want to be dramatic.. or.. prissy or whatever.. but.. there's a clear difference in my life now that I don't have someone to love.
Being in love to me.. felt like... how I imagine drugs to be. Lots of people say that when you take certain drugs your life is just never the same after, because.. nothing feels as good. And that's how I am with love. As far back as I can remember.. I wanted so badly to be in love. And I truly really did believe I was in love. I didn't care what everyone else no matter how long they've known me or how well they know me said. And to those people, I'm really sorry I know you are all only looking out for the best for me and I appreciate every second of your support.
I never ever in my entire life felt so complete and so happy and so perfect with another person. I guess when you're "in love"..you don't listen to possible warning signs of flaws, and even if there clearly is flaws, you ignore them because.. love is a feeling and sometimes, you just can't help that feeling.
But.. I guess.. I was wrong. And.. even today.. 2 months later.. I still don't know.. how to even begin to rebuild my heart. I surround myself with beautiful people all who can relate to the pain of heartbreak.We've all been there before and we're all fully aware that it hurts. I guess... it's easier when you're 100% over it and it doesn't hurt anymore. So.. I'm just waiting.. for that pain to go away. And I know it will.. I just wish it would away faster, because it hasn't been easy.
I understand when people say they don't want to fall in love ever again, because when your heart breaks.. it hurts really bad. It's worse than any physical pain I've ever felt. It's not something you can ice or.. that you can fix. I'm waiting.. for it to go away.. and I hope it does soon.
Okay that's it. Hang in there I know...
I've been thinking a lot.. about going home.. which obviously I am very excited/very nervous about. It's a big hype in my mind because I've been thinking about home for quite a while now and the expectations are high. Most of the time, my mind wonders to.. love. .. which.. even though 2 months ago I wrote a very emotional blog (which is now hidden from the public for viewing) about... how love is beautiful.. love (between two people) is gone from my life. I don't want to be dramatic.. or.. prissy or whatever.. but.. there's a clear difference in my life now that I don't have someone to love.
Being in love to me.. felt like... how I imagine drugs to be. Lots of people say that when you take certain drugs your life is just never the same after, because.. nothing feels as good. And that's how I am with love. As far back as I can remember.. I wanted so badly to be in love. And I truly really did believe I was in love. I didn't care what everyone else no matter how long they've known me or how well they know me said. And to those people, I'm really sorry I know you are all only looking out for the best for me and I appreciate every second of your support.
I never ever in my entire life felt so complete and so happy and so perfect with another person. I guess when you're "in love"..you don't listen to possible warning signs of flaws, and even if there clearly is flaws, you ignore them because.. love is a feeling and sometimes, you just can't help that feeling.
But.. I guess.. I was wrong. And.. even today.. 2 months later.. I still don't know.. how to even begin to rebuild my heart. I surround myself with beautiful people all who can relate to the pain of heartbreak.We've all been there before and we're all fully aware that it hurts. I guess... it's easier when you're 100% over it and it doesn't hurt anymore. So.. I'm just waiting.. for that pain to go away. And I know it will.. I just wish it would away faster, because it hasn't been easy.
I understand when people say they don't want to fall in love ever again, because when your heart breaks.. it hurts really bad. It's worse than any physical pain I've ever felt. It's not something you can ice or.. that you can fix. I'm waiting.. for it to go away.. and I hope it does soon.
Okay that's it. Hang in there I know...
Monday, December 6, 2010
Hi
17 more days till beautiful Hawaii Nei. :) I'm so excited that I haven't gotten more than 6 straight hours of sleep at night. Literally I've been having dreams about Hawaii every night for the past week. It's crazy. But I'm still very very excited.
NYC in December.. leads to very mixed emotions for me. The days go by so fast. I wake up pull myself out of my comfortable bed and grab a coffee.. then I swear I go back to bed. It's kind of crazy, but I like it because it just means a day closer to home.
Money money money- money runs this city it's so crazy! I try my best not to stress about it, but it causes me so much stress. The first couple months I was very "chang" about my money.. but I realize now that there are some splurges that I just have to do to keep my sanity. For example: it's very important that I dance.. my 4 classes every week. It's very important that I at least try to go to 1-2 yoga classes per week. It's important that I eat. All the rest are luxuries that I realize I don't need.. although.. they are fun.
My relationship with NYC as usual is bittersweet. I love the city again.. for dance.. for the food.. and great times. But I know this time around.. it's not gonna be forever. There are certain parts that I absolutely love about this city, that will be hard to give up. I'm gonna miss the opportunity to have so many things right at your fingertips. But I've had a lot to think about, and I just don't want to be in a city where money runs everything. People are just constantly stressing out about everything, and complaining so much, that sometimes I just want to yell out relax people! You only have one life so just relax and enjoy it. I stressed so much about money and my job that I just took out so much joy out of my life and I completely forgot that I'm in such an amazing time in my life I have no reason to stress!
So that's the deals. I will always always love NYC and it will be my second home. So I'm considering my options. It's not gonna be Hawaii just yet. I think if I went back home .. I would stay home.. and miss so much of this world that I still want to see. Lots of things may happen in 2011. :)
NYC in December.. leads to very mixed emotions for me. The days go by so fast. I wake up pull myself out of my comfortable bed and grab a coffee.. then I swear I go back to bed. It's kind of crazy, but I like it because it just means a day closer to home.
Money money money- money runs this city it's so crazy! I try my best not to stress about it, but it causes me so much stress. The first couple months I was very "chang" about my money.. but I realize now that there are some splurges that I just have to do to keep my sanity. For example: it's very important that I dance.. my 4 classes every week. It's very important that I at least try to go to 1-2 yoga classes per week. It's important that I eat. All the rest are luxuries that I realize I don't need.. although.. they are fun.
My relationship with NYC as usual is bittersweet. I love the city again.. for dance.. for the food.. and great times. But I know this time around.. it's not gonna be forever. There are certain parts that I absolutely love about this city, that will be hard to give up. I'm gonna miss the opportunity to have so many things right at your fingertips. But I've had a lot to think about, and I just don't want to be in a city where money runs everything. People are just constantly stressing out about everything, and complaining so much, that sometimes I just want to yell out relax people! You only have one life so just relax and enjoy it. I stressed so much about money and my job that I just took out so much joy out of my life and I completely forgot that I'm in such an amazing time in my life I have no reason to stress!
So that's the deals. I will always always love NYC and it will be my second home. So I'm considering my options. It's not gonna be Hawaii just yet. I think if I went back home .. I would stay home.. and miss so much of this world that I still want to see. Lots of things may happen in 2011. :)
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