Hello Spring :)

I like how my page views have tripled since my blog has become private. Alright!!

Anyway- NYC is so beautiful in the Spring time. It's so nice to be able to walk around with only one layer of clothing on (still a thick layer.. but one nevertheless). And although- yes.. I forgot how much it sucks that for some reason the guys get girl crazy when it gets warmer outside so gotta turn up my Ipod music very high and pretend not to hear what they're saying about.. stuff.

BFF and fellow single lady Jamie has moved to the city and I'm so glad to have her back in my life. Although I rarely have time for friends :( :(.. I'm still glad that they're there. Especially Jamie because she has such a great positive outlook on life.. and on boys.. etc.

Today was my 2nd day off in .. forever and it was so nice to sleep in and take classes without worrying about work etc.  It was so nice to relax after this insane week I had.  Lots of interesting things may happen by the end of the year and I don't want to say it.. because I don't want to jinx myself.. but just saying.. great things are in store!!

For some reason I was having a downer start of the day .. which.. hasn't been happening very often (yay!) I was just sad about how much fun I used to have in the past (college days) and how.. although I love my life now.. I can never relive those days like how they used to be.  And then the craziest thing happened.  My dance teachers are all super professionals.. always choreographing for big names and seen on tv and performances literally all around the entire world.  So  they have books of choreography stored in their head.  Usually we'll do the same routine a couple times.. then they'll move on to the next dance and that one will be lost in never never land.  But for some reason.. my favorite teacher decided to redo one of her routines (JT My Love.. best song ever) that I learned 3 years ago.  Back then that dance was one of the top 5 dances I've learned out of the thousands I learned that year.. and it's one of the few that I actually remember even now.  It was so great to learn that routine over again.. and it gave me this great feeling of reminiscing myself as a little 19 year old Tasha learning dance on Broadway with so many hopes and dreams.  I lost that spark.. and I'm slowly gaining it back. So spring it seems has colored my life perspective once again.

I guess it's true when you lose love.. you'll find it again somewhere else.

For your info...

I contemplated for a long time if I should make my blog private or public because.. frankly.. I know there's a lot of haters out there who are automatically gonna assume things about me because.. of the person that I'm perceived to be. Normally I would tell myself that they don't know me so whatever they want to assume is fine.. but I just had an amazing discussion with my peers yesterday about first impressions and how you can't help but judge someone when you meet them.  But if you try to dig deeper, you may discover a true story behind that person.  I'm hoping that by making this blog public, people (as well as I) will begin to understand who Tasha is.. and why I am the way I am.

I'm pretty sure I know exactly who's probably super excited to have discovered my blog. (I get paid to work with social media.. I know more about networking than I really want to).  My message to this person is to be careful.. be smart.. but love hard.

Alright time to be a New Yorker.

Teaching Myself to Rebuild

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even if its not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from The presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the sliver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are and how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder May 1994

Next Time..

Don't ever tell a girl you love her unless you really do.

Why is this so hard for boys to understand? People throw around the love word way too easily now days. I thought maybe that me and ___'s situation was an exception but now I realize it wasn't. I was just another name to add to his little book, and so easily he has moved on since me.  Normally this would be totally fine. But he told me he loved me...

Maybe I'm just a stupid girl... To believe that if he said he loved me he truly did. But really is that my fault for even hoping that maybe it was true?  I said it before and I'll say it again I don't regret what happened to me despite the pain it has caused.  I'm living through it, and it's fine I'm a tough girl. But it just bugs me.. how just because he said that one word, my whole idea of being with someone.. has been

tainted.

I know right now it's still very fresh in my mind, but I just can't, in the near future, see myself opening my heart to anyone anytime soon. Love is beautiful but it's so painful. When I used to think of being in love, I thought it was the most most happy and exciting thing I could experience in my life.  So when you lose that feeling.. all of a sudden, you see the truth about how ugly and mean this world really is.

Sometimes I wish I could tell my heart to stop talking.  Shut up for a little so I can recover.

Please. That's really all I want.

The truth is..

"Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." 
 Bob Marley




All I want is to wake up one day and fully believe that I can live a successful and happy life with the path I've chosen.  I just want to wake up and not have the first thing on my mind be the negatives. I want my broken heart to completely heal where I can be a strong individual who realizes the amazing opportunity I have here in life. 


I know patience and time will heal me. I'm trying my best to rebuild my soul after it was knocked solid a couple times. Getting there.. just want it to come sooner.

Confused..

This always happens to me. I have a problem where I don't know where to begin my judgment on being happy.

I'm so confused.


Little things make me happy.  Today I went to Chinatown with Joshua and Mallory- ate some amazing meals. Then went to dance class to get my hip hop on.. then came home.. and it was a great day.  And I just found myself looking at my calender thinking it's the second week in February- I gotta start making decisions fast on what I want to do this next year.

I don't even know where to begin my decisions.  I've cried and I've bitched and moaned a lot about NYC, but when I finally leave will I want to?  You would think after living here for.. 8 months I would've been able to kind of make a decision, but I can't. One day I'll wake up and not want to even get out of bed, because I don't want to face the city, and the other days I'm jumping out of bed so excited to start the next day.

I'm finally fine now, and I'm scared I'll make a decision I might regret (hence.. still keeping that new years resolution of being content in my decisions). I wish someone could make decisions for me. I wish someone could go into the future and tell me which decision would be best for me.

But I don't know.. and I guess I'll never know until I try something.. aghhhhhhh I hate being an adult.

When it hurts so bad..

I'm trying to find a positive view on my life because I definitely know I think about it too negatively. My bff in the city asked me the other day: "Why do you complain so much about your life being so bad? What is so bad about your life?" And honestly.. I had no real legit answer. I'm doing what I always wanted dream of doing.. I just never realized that I would have and then lose love in the meanwhile.

I was stupid to fall in love. And that doesn't mean I regret what happened with me and.. that one.. but I was silly to believe that I could make a functioning relationship with someone who I know is impossible for me.  I just have to accept that that is life and you win some and you lose some.. and when you do, although it feels like it. It's not the end of the world.

My heart knows that I still love him and it hurts and it cries and it's very painful. But my mind tells me that the right and only thing I can do is let him go. It's not healthy to have false hopes, so I just have to be strong.

Nefesh to Nefesh for ya. Gotta be strong..