Picking Back Up

It's been a hot minute since I last posted and I decided since my life is a whole lot better that I can hopefully finally start posting good blogs here instead of really sad depressing blogs.

Moving back to Hawaii did wonders to my sanity. Making the decision to come back home was a positive one and even though I miss the mainland a lot being in Hawaii has done some spectacular heeling to my soul. Feels great to finally feel like Tasha again. Just gotta get my head focused.. find a good job.. and I'll be cherry.

I've slowly started accepting feeling love again.. and although it'll be a while until I actually fall in love I'm open to the possibility that in the future it will happen again and I can feel happy again. I tell myself that if I thought Leo was love.. and it wasn't... then the next one is just going to be more beautiful and more meaningful to me. So yes.. although there was a year of suffering.. being able to move on feels like one of the stronger moments in my life so far.. and I'm pretty proud of that.

Being a girl..

Feels so empty sometimes.

Waiting for my heart to heal.

One year later and I can still feel the pain everyday :(

Why won't it go faster?!

:(

Sometimes drinking when your heart is empty leads to some mean rage.

Sorry.

WHAT DO I DO!?!?!?!

Seriously? Can someone flip a coin and decide my future? Cause I'm a complete mess. Gap years suck.

Sunrise.. Tantalize.. Evil Eyes.. Hypnotize.

In between, in the midst of all those steaming nights and days darkly colored, smelling of earth, I believe there lay some marrow of honest truth.


Poisonwood Bible

Sometimes...

Whenever my heart starts to hurt again, I try to remind myself that one day the pain will go away and I'll come out a stronger person.

Miss You

But don't want you.

Dear...

This is the first and last time I'll be venting about my ex bfs.. ex gf who I hope to god will take the time to read this because honestly I have no interest what so ever to deal with this girl anymore.

I brutally learned a pretty harsh but very humbling lesson this past year and that was that you can't convince everyone to love you.  Sometimes no matter how hard you love someone even if it's everything you've ever wanted in your life, you can't always get it.  And the absolute worst thing to do to yourself is to continue to convince yourself that a future is possible with that person.  I'm not with "your man" anymore and haven't been with with him in a really long time, so I have no idea where you're getting these ideas that we're running off meeting somewhere in the United States when it's so obvious that I'm not with him. So really I am no threat to you or your family.

And on that note. I'm a very different person now.  I live in a city where I have to fight and work really hard to be here and to live.  NYC is really different than Hawaii and my priorities is not to be in love or steal your "bf". My priorities are to learn as much as I can and grow as an individual mature adult.  I have no intentions to ruin a family. In fact, I really don't know any person who is cruel enough to purposely date someone to ruin a family. I mean you kind of drive me nuts, but I'm not going to ruin your life.

I'm saying this as nicely as possible that for the sake of you.. and you're sanity. Get over him.  Once a long time ago I really was in love with .. him.. and it hurt so badly when I realized that I had to get over him to continue my own growth in life.  And I really did at one time think that I could not live a life without him there.  But.. I did it.. and..  it was a good thing to do.. and now that my head is clear I feel like so much has been lifted off my shoulders and it's so much easier to get through my days.  It's been more than a year now.. and even if he is still with you like how you claim in your voicemails.. I know for a fact that he's not entirely with you.. so I think it's time to realize that you and your ex are done. You can live a perfectly fine life without him, and I believe it.

Lastly- please stop calling me. I work 3 jobs here in NYC on top of training at my dance studio. I don't even have time to hang out with my friends here let alone listen to you talk about your and my ex bf. Deal it out with him. Not me. Thanks.

Hey There

I'm just gonna put it out there because you deserve better and you really need to know.

He's cheating on you.

And if you think you're an exception.

You're not.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yes I've Become That Girl

Since my singleness and my crash and burn into depression followed by me picking myself up and forcing myself to go on with life, I've come to one conclusion.

Boys suck.

Now.. at the age of 24 I finally realize that there truly is a difference between a boy and a man. Boys.. have a very false grasp on life.  They run around usually trying to be someone they're not and most of the time it's because frankly.. they don't know what they want.  They love to do things they know they can get away with and worst of all they do things without any regard to consequences or people's feelings.

And can I just put it out there that I thought by the age of 24 I would be done dealing with boys, but apparently there's still a lot of mid-late 20s boys who are total late bloomers causing havoc on poor innocent women who just don't know better because they follow their heart instead of their mind. I'd like to blame it on the way we're wired or some kind of weird chemical imbalance..

I think I'm gonna need a yoga class tomorrow. This is stupid.

“Mix me with violence, blend me with peace, combine me with hate and I can't face defeat”

Hellloooo Harlem!! I never thought I was one of those people who are affected by the weather.. but once the weather started giving me beautiful 50/60 degree weather my days couldn't be better :). Oh New York what a love hate relationship.

So here I am.. again! One month later.. still not really knowing what's going on in my life.. but I've come to accept that it's an exciting journey and I just have to accept that maybe a clear finish line is not quite there but.. at least I feel like I'm heading in the right direction.. kinda.

Work.. it's work. It's busy. But I'm learning so much.  My life as a "business professional" has changed so much from last year and I'm proud of the sacrifice and work that I've put in so far and I can only hope that it will pay off soon.

As of now I'm going back home to Hawaii in.. July.. and hopefully cross your fingers will be abroad by August. If not.. probably back to the NYC grind.  Really I love this place. Like.. it's amazing. But. I miss home. I wish I could just take a weekend and go home and see my family and  my friends and my dogs and relax on the beach and go to Maitais with my girls and jam out to Hawaiian music.  That life seems so beautiful to me. Although life in NYC is exciting, and really fast pace, and so energetic. . I miss my home man!!

Soooooo yeah that's it. We'll see where life takes me. Same ole..

Single.. yes. Happy? Almost there. like 85%.. which is dangerously good considering 2 months ago I was crying my guts out from my heart break.  Growing up, I was always super competitive (I blame gymnastics and Punahou).. so I think losing something that I loved very much was hard to accept.  But when I'm feeling down, I think of other times in my life when I was down too and I realize that if I could make it out of those times then I can make it now.  I would never wish on a person to feel heartbreak because the pain really is indescribable.. but I think in the end I can walk away a stronger person.

Someone Like You.

Awww Adele so beautiful! I'm pretty sure she perfectly describes how I've been feeling this past month. What an inspiration :)

Hello Spring :)

I like how my page views have tripled since my blog has become private. Alright!!

Anyway- NYC is so beautiful in the Spring time. It's so nice to be able to walk around with only one layer of clothing on (still a thick layer.. but one nevertheless). And although- yes.. I forgot how much it sucks that for some reason the guys get girl crazy when it gets warmer outside so gotta turn up my Ipod music very high and pretend not to hear what they're saying about.. stuff.

BFF and fellow single lady Jamie has moved to the city and I'm so glad to have her back in my life. Although I rarely have time for friends :( :(.. I'm still glad that they're there. Especially Jamie because she has such a great positive outlook on life.. and on boys.. etc.

Today was my 2nd day off in .. forever and it was so nice to sleep in and take classes without worrying about work etc.  It was so nice to relax after this insane week I had.  Lots of interesting things may happen by the end of the year and I don't want to say it.. because I don't want to jinx myself.. but just saying.. great things are in store!!

For some reason I was having a downer start of the day .. which.. hasn't been happening very often (yay!) I was just sad about how much fun I used to have in the past (college days) and how.. although I love my life now.. I can never relive those days like how they used to be.  And then the craziest thing happened.  My dance teachers are all super professionals.. always choreographing for big names and seen on tv and performances literally all around the entire world.  So  they have books of choreography stored in their head.  Usually we'll do the same routine a couple times.. then they'll move on to the next dance and that one will be lost in never never land.  But for some reason.. my favorite teacher decided to redo one of her routines (JT My Love.. best song ever) that I learned 3 years ago.  Back then that dance was one of the top 5 dances I've learned out of the thousands I learned that year.. and it's one of the few that I actually remember even now.  It was so great to learn that routine over again.. and it gave me this great feeling of reminiscing myself as a little 19 year old Tasha learning dance on Broadway with so many hopes and dreams.  I lost that spark.. and I'm slowly gaining it back. So spring it seems has colored my life perspective once again.

I guess it's true when you lose love.. you'll find it again somewhere else.

For your info...

I contemplated for a long time if I should make my blog private or public because.. frankly.. I know there's a lot of haters out there who are automatically gonna assume things about me because.. of the person that I'm perceived to be. Normally I would tell myself that they don't know me so whatever they want to assume is fine.. but I just had an amazing discussion with my peers yesterday about first impressions and how you can't help but judge someone when you meet them.  But if you try to dig deeper, you may discover a true story behind that person.  I'm hoping that by making this blog public, people (as well as I) will begin to understand who Tasha is.. and why I am the way I am.

I'm pretty sure I know exactly who's probably super excited to have discovered my blog. (I get paid to work with social media.. I know more about networking than I really want to).  My message to this person is to be careful.. be smart.. but love hard.

Alright time to be a New Yorker.

Teaching Myself to Rebuild

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even if its not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from The presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the sliver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are and how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder May 1994

Next Time..

Don't ever tell a girl you love her unless you really do.

Why is this so hard for boys to understand? People throw around the love word way too easily now days. I thought maybe that me and ___'s situation was an exception but now I realize it wasn't. I was just another name to add to his little book, and so easily he has moved on since me.  Normally this would be totally fine. But he told me he loved me...

Maybe I'm just a stupid girl... To believe that if he said he loved me he truly did. But really is that my fault for even hoping that maybe it was true?  I said it before and I'll say it again I don't regret what happened to me despite the pain it has caused.  I'm living through it, and it's fine I'm a tough girl. But it just bugs me.. how just because he said that one word, my whole idea of being with someone.. has been

tainted.

I know right now it's still very fresh in my mind, but I just can't, in the near future, see myself opening my heart to anyone anytime soon. Love is beautiful but it's so painful. When I used to think of being in love, I thought it was the most most happy and exciting thing I could experience in my life.  So when you lose that feeling.. all of a sudden, you see the truth about how ugly and mean this world really is.

Sometimes I wish I could tell my heart to stop talking.  Shut up for a little so I can recover.

Please. That's really all I want.

The truth is..

"Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." 
 Bob Marley




All I want is to wake up one day and fully believe that I can live a successful and happy life with the path I've chosen.  I just want to wake up and not have the first thing on my mind be the negatives. I want my broken heart to completely heal where I can be a strong individual who realizes the amazing opportunity I have here in life. 


I know patience and time will heal me. I'm trying my best to rebuild my soul after it was knocked solid a couple times. Getting there.. just want it to come sooner.

Confused..

This always happens to me. I have a problem where I don't know where to begin my judgment on being happy.

I'm so confused.


Little things make me happy.  Today I went to Chinatown with Joshua and Mallory- ate some amazing meals. Then went to dance class to get my hip hop on.. then came home.. and it was a great day.  And I just found myself looking at my calender thinking it's the second week in February- I gotta start making decisions fast on what I want to do this next year.

I don't even know where to begin my decisions.  I've cried and I've bitched and moaned a lot about NYC, but when I finally leave will I want to?  You would think after living here for.. 8 months I would've been able to kind of make a decision, but I can't. One day I'll wake up and not want to even get out of bed, because I don't want to face the city, and the other days I'm jumping out of bed so excited to start the next day.

I'm finally fine now, and I'm scared I'll make a decision I might regret (hence.. still keeping that new years resolution of being content in my decisions). I wish someone could make decisions for me. I wish someone could go into the future and tell me which decision would be best for me.

But I don't know.. and I guess I'll never know until I try something.. aghhhhhhh I hate being an adult.

When it hurts so bad..

I'm trying to find a positive view on my life because I definitely know I think about it too negatively. My bff in the city asked me the other day: "Why do you complain so much about your life being so bad? What is so bad about your life?" And honestly.. I had no real legit answer. I'm doing what I always wanted dream of doing.. I just never realized that I would have and then lose love in the meanwhile.

I was stupid to fall in love. And that doesn't mean I regret what happened with me and.. that one.. but I was silly to believe that I could make a functioning relationship with someone who I know is impossible for me.  I just have to accept that that is life and you win some and you lose some.. and when you do, although it feels like it. It's not the end of the world.

My heart knows that I still love him and it hurts and it cries and it's very painful. But my mind tells me that the right and only thing I can do is let him go. It's not healthy to have false hopes, so I just have to be strong.

Nefesh to Nefesh for ya. Gotta be strong..

How do you do it?

So what do you do? When the one person you loved with all your heart steps out of your life and leaves a huge gaping painful hole in your soul?

What's the secret?


Because it's been like 6 months already and it still hurts me everyday.

Addictions

I don't understand why it's so hard for me to get rid of the things that I know are bad for me. My friends tell me over and over and over again that I need to get rid of him. And I can't. For a person with such a strong personality, and such a strong will to live a full and happy life.. I'm an absolute fail when it comes to my heart.

Resolutions

How is it 2011 already? I remember when I was in elementary school.. I always accidentally wrote the wrong year on my homework and I would get in trouble for mistaking it. Years always past by faster than days for me. It's a little strange. I remember every hour of each day.. but then the year pasts, and all of a sudden I wonder if it was really last year that I was counting down the hours till work was done and I could get back to my comfy bed to sleep. And now I'm 24. I thought I was still a teenager! So crazy.

Trying not to think about it.. but I thought in light of the new years (2 weeks ago) I'd post my resolutions. I make resolutions every year but like most people get lazy mid year and never get them done.  But maybe this year will be my special year.

I guess my main resolution would be to find focus. I'm so add all the time running around doing thousands of different projects that provide brief moments of happiness.  Since graduating almost 2 years ago I've been a hot mess trying to find out what exactly I want to do in life. You would think that as one grows older it becomes more apparent what path you should take. In college if you asked me what I want to do in 5 years I wouldn't even think before answering that I wanted to move to NYC.  Now I'm here.. and I'm completely lost.  Every single morning I wake up and I have no idea where I want my life to go.. what I want to do .. or what my plans are. The feeling of instability freaks me out because I am the type of person who plans entire years in advanced. It freaks me out to not know where my life will be even in the next month.

Besides the complexity of pulling my life together all the rest of my resolutions seem so simple:

1) Visit 2 different countries this year.

2) Buy a new laptop (mine is from 2005.. it freezes every 10 min I'm on the internet.. it's time)

3) This will be my last year working in a restaurant/bar. It will always be the greatest years of my life.. but I feel like it's time. Please do not quote me on this because.. knowing me I'll go back.


4) By the end of this year start applying for grad schools. I've been delaying grad school for years simply because I don't want to go back. But I promised my parents I would go back and I refuse to be 30 and still in school.

5) Whatever I decide to do in the next 6 months.. be happy and be confident with my decision. Which will be a difficult one because I am never 100% happy with any decision (see old blogs).. but.. I'll work on it.

I think that's it.. Im not really sure because I think of new resolutions every week... but that's what the edit button is for right?

Broken Wings

I want a broken bird.... I want a bird that broke its wing and walked around until her wing was healed.  She can still fly but never like anybody else. Not like someone that never broke their wing. She was broken. key word...was. but always a bird.

 Kyle "125" Histatake's beautiful writing.

Hipster birds in Williamsburg

photo by SeamSters