On Love (Part 2)

Before I begin my post.. this is another blog that I ask whoever is reading this to please not be concerned that I am going down a dark depressive road because I'm not. I really shouldn't be posting my feelings on my blog.. but I just feel like it today. Dancing and writing are two very big outlets in my life, and they provide me.. a lot of temporary relief when I feel down.

I've been thinking a lot.. about going home.. which obviously I am very excited/very nervous about. It's a big hype in my mind because I've been thinking about home for quite a while now and the expectations are high. Most of the time, my mind wonders to.. love. .. which.. even though 2 months ago I wrote a very emotional blog (which is now hidden from the public for viewing) about... how love is beautiful.. love (between two people) is gone from my life. I don't want to be dramatic.. or.. prissy or whatever.. but.. there's a clear difference in my life now that I don't have someone to love.

Being in love to me.. felt like... how I imagine drugs to be. Lots of people say that when you take certain drugs your life is just never the same after, because.. nothing feels as good. And that's how I am with love.  As far back as I can remember.. I wanted so badly to be in love. And I truly really did believe I was in love. I didn't care what everyone else no matter how long they've known me or how well they know me said. And to those people, I'm really sorry I know you are all only looking out for the best for me and I appreciate every second of your support. 

I never ever in my entire life felt so complete and so happy and so perfect with another person. I guess when you're "in love"..you don't listen to possible warning signs of flaws, and even if there clearly is flaws, you ignore them because.. love is a feeling and sometimes, you just can't help that feeling.

But.. I guess.. I was wrong. And.. even today.. 2 months later.. I still don't know.. how to even begin to rebuild my heart. I surround myself with beautiful people all who can relate to the pain of heartbreak.We've all been there before and we're all fully aware that it hurts. I guess... it's easier when you're 100% over it and it doesn't hurt anymore. So.. I'm just waiting.. for that pain to go away. And I know it will..  I just wish it would away faster, because it hasn't been easy.

I understand when people say they don't want to fall in love ever again, because when your heart breaks.. it hurts really bad. It's worse than any physical pain I've ever felt. It's not something you can ice or.. that you can fix. I'm waiting.. for it to go away.. and I hope it does soon.

Okay that's it. Hang in there I know...

Hi

17 more days till beautiful Hawaii Nei. :) I'm so excited that I haven't gotten more than 6 straight hours of sleep at night. Literally I've been having dreams about Hawaii every night for the past week. It's crazy. But I'm still very very excited.

NYC in December.. leads to very mixed emotions for me. The days go by so fast. I wake up pull myself out of my comfortable bed and grab a coffee.. then I swear I go back to bed. It's kind of crazy, but I like it because it just means a day closer to home.

Money money money- money runs this city it's so crazy! I try my best not to stress about it, but it causes me so much stress. The first couple months I was very "chang" about my money.. but I realize now that there are some splurges that I just have to do to keep my sanity. For example: it's very important that I dance.. my 4 classes every week. It's very important that I at least try to go to 1-2 yoga classes per week.  It's important that I eat. All the rest are luxuries that I realize I don't need.. although.. they are fun.

My relationship with NYC as usual is bittersweet. I love the city again.. for dance.. for the food.. and great times. But I know this time around.. it's not gonna be forever. There are certain parts that I absolutely love about this city, that will be hard to give up. I'm gonna miss the opportunity to have so many things right at your fingertips.  But I've had a lot to think about, and I just don't want to be in a city where money runs everything.  People are just constantly stressing out about everything, and complaining so much, that sometimes I just want to yell out relax people! You only have one life so just relax and enjoy it. I stressed so much about money and my job that I just took out so much joy out of my life and I completely forgot that I'm in such an amazing time in my life I have no reason to stress!

So that's the deals. I will always always love NYC and it will be my second home. So I'm considering my options. It's not gonna be Hawaii just yet. I think if I went back home .. I would stay home.. and miss so much of this world that I still want to see.  Lots of things may happen in 2011. :)

Fog Inside the Glass Around Your Summer Heart

Hello mid November. Sorry I haven't been updating my blog.. there has been a lack of inspiration..

November has proven pretty boring so far. It's kind of exactly how I imagined it would be.. waiting for something to happen. Don't ask me what that something is because I have no idea what it is. I've had a serious low of motivation this month because I have no idea where my life is going.  I almost feel more lost now than I did this summer when I was crying my guts out everyday.

My only outlet is dance. It keeps me going every week, so I'm very very lucky that I have it because it has bought me so much happiness recently that it's great.

I think that's it.. I wish I had more exciting news about life changes, but .. no :( I just.. try to live everyday.. make money to try to get close to making rent.. try to survive the day and smile when I can

Ware Tada Shiru Taru

Ahhh the zen gardens of Japan. How I miss the simple days of vacation with my family, traveling and learning about this world with so many endless cultures and people. I can't believe how lucky I have been this past year to have experienced so much joy and so much pain. It has definitely been one of the greatest, yet toughest years of my life. But I'm glad I'm living and learning, and until I run out of money (which could be very soon). I'm here.

Anyway! I remembered this fountain because my bff Karisa wants to get a tattoo, and I told her if I get another one it'll probably be this. Maybe I'll double check to make sure the Chinese translation is similar! :) There's many translations the literal translation is "I only know plenty". But I like to think of it as I am content with what I have. My mom said that this quote tells you that you should be content with what you have, so you shouldn't try to strive higher. I argued that I complain pretty much every day about my life, when in reality, I have a great life, and I really should start appreciating it more. 

I literally count down the weeks until I go home to Hawaii. I miss home, and my family, my friends, my Benz, my dogs, everything. It breaks my heart to think of them at home and me being so far away.  But then I think, I'm here, so I gotta make use of what I got. I said it from the start, I'm not staying here forever.. so lemme make the best out of it. 

So I'm trying! I'm really trying hard my friends. I want to have some great experiences and great stories to tell you. I want you all to be proud of me and make my vagabondage so far be worth while....

Until then.. enjoy Maitais (losers).

180 degrees

It's so crazy how much my life has changed.  Although the last couple months were a struggle.. and trust me it's still a struggle.. I live with the positive mentality that things can only get better, so even though times are hard.. it's just getting better.  When you only want the raw basics in life to be secure (job, house, and food), everything is considered a luxury. I strongly would suggest to anyone in this world to strip their self of everything that makes them comfortable so they learn how to challenge them self. It's a very scary and a little too real.. but it's very humbling. I know I will never ever take any luxury I have for granted and I feel unaware and ignorant for not realizing that earlier.

Anyway October life in NYC has been good. Lots and lots of dancing and working, and not much time for anything else. I can't afford a social life, but I try to get out and do the free thing as much as I can. I'm hoping paychecks will start rolling in and I can be a little less worried, but as I said earlier, I'm just trying to stay positive and work with what I got. It doesn't really bother me not being able to go out and get nuts and wear the best clothes and have the best social life, because I realize that I came to NYC to dance, and dancing is what I'm doing.

On another note.. I love working nonprofit. Because I'm broke and sober, I have a lot of time to be aware of this world and learn about things that I might otherwise be ignorant to. My non profit has taught me a lot about how meat is so bad for you.. and although I haven't given up meat completely, I have significantly cut down on all meat consumption, and have been spreading the word about it's health benefits.  I also have been involved in the community as a peer mentor, because eventually I would love to spend some time in Asia so Ive been meeting a lot of people who have traveled all over the world doing volunteer work. It's amazing to meet people from so many unique fun cultures and sharing stories with them. They love to hear about my stories growing up in Hawaii, and I love to hear their stories about their lives. It makes both of us educated and more open to this world.

Okay that's it bye.

Hello Fall!!

Friends seriously how is it Oct already? My rent is almost due and I'm broke, which means cereal.. and dollah menus all week long :).. ahh life of a starving artist is so painful yet so beautiful.  Unfortunately between the two internships, work study at the dance studio, and bar job, my social life has resorted to Facebook, but I'm a whole lot happier than I was 2 months ago because I'm doing what I love, and it's so beautiful to spend $$ on a dance class instead of materialistic things. I've always said that love is something that you can't explain.. it's something you feel in your heart.. that makes you completely happy. That's how I feel about dancing. I'm really not trying to become famous.. or be in music videos or whatever.. I do it.. because I love it. 

I was thinking today while I was in yoga (2nd favorite activity) .. I'm not gonna be able to dance forever.. I mean.. my body in comparison to.. 5 years ago.. gets tired faster, gets stiff the next day.. and recovers slower. So I'm determined to dance all I can as long as my body can handle it.  I meet so many people from BDC who love to dance and who are beautiful professional dancers, who could've chosen to go to college, or go to a normal whatever job. But they followed their passion and they're completely happy, even if it means being a starving artist.  I truly admire these people for knowing exactly what they want in life and going 100% towards that goal, and I only hope that I can learn to be as passionate as them.


In the meantime..

(stolen from Michelle's Facebook.. mahalos littlecrazyone)


LOVE IT

Stay beautiful my friends.

Wake Me Up When Sept Ends.

Holy Moly- Sept is flying by so fast.. which means 3 more months till paradise! I'm such a Hawaii girl it sucks.

Anyway. LIFE! Is crazy. But crazy in a good way. Ended my internship with the unnamed company (because I signed a NDA which I can't talk about the company). It was a great experience.. and I'm glad I did it.. but I'm excited to start fresh with a new company. Welcome to the world of NON PROFIT!!! It's pretty funny cause I'm going from sales at a start up to blogging for non profits.. two very vast ends of the spectrum but I know sales is not something I want to do (scratch that marketing degree) and writing is something I would like to try.  My mom's dreams of one of her daughters becoming a millionaire just flew out of the window .. sorry mom.

Oh and I'm gonna start work studying again at my old dance studio! So excited for that :) I miss dancing slash working out so much in general and I'm really excited to burn off all the great NYC food I've been eating. I'm officially gonna give up any social life I have and dance as much as I can because I know it's something that I love.

My bff Karisa came into town last week and only helped to confirm how much I miss home. I mean.. it's not as bad now as it was. I don't cry.. as much.. anymore. But I still miss home..as much as I did.. when I left it.  I wake up and the first thing on my mind is one day closer to home.  It almost seems sometimes that I force myself to be here.. Which.. yeah is true.. but I stick it out because everyone tells me.. and I think subconciously I just end up telling myself the same thing.

Money- is still nonexistant.. which is amazing seeing that I'm working almost 3 jobs. I wish it was easy to jump into real life but it's not. I keep telling myself that if I put in time now.. then later on down the road.. I'll be ahead of everyone.. I still don't know why I'm here.. I really don't. I'm not depressed.. but I don't want to be here.

I never appreciate it until it's gone.